Eow.... God, I Miss Him

 I also took advantage of his weakened state to give him a much needed bath. Poor guy. He just kept looking at me and meowing real low and pitiful as if to say, "Unfair, woman. So not cool." :P But it needed done. He smells stinky and can't clean himself, so someone's gotta do it! My poor baby. I broke down really bad in church yesterday. I know some would say "good thing it's just a pet." But, really, he's so much more to my heart. And my poor heart is just breaking seeing my sweet, cuddly baby like this. He's on meds for toxoplasmosis, as that's the only thing....

The above was written just a few days ago.  At the time, I was thinking maybe I shouldn't bother with a bath right now.  Maybe I should just leave him be so he can rest.  And now I am so glad that I spent that time with him.  That I took the time to bathe his body and snuggle with him after.  That I took that extra time out of my day to sit and love on my mow-mow.  Because he is gone now.  He just never got better.  The vet said he should've responded to the medicine days ago.  That he should already be back to his normal self.  Oh God! how I miss his normal self!  We took him yesterday to the vet to make the final determination as to whether more medical intervention was right or if it was time to say good-bye.  The evening before, Eow's breathing became labored.  His adorable little tongue was barely visible in between his lips.  But his eyes... Oh my God, his eyes.  They stare at me.  They bore into my soul.  It is my Eow, still alive and well inside this now worthless shell of a body.  I can see him asking me.  But asking what?  Normally his body language would assist.  He would meow in some way to let me know what he's thinking.  But, no.  This body refuses to cooperate.  Refuses to get well again.  And why?  Why???  I now believe, wholeheartedly, that it is better to know why.  And I do not.  And it torments me.  Was it something I unwittingly did?  Was it something we could have prevented?  Were there earlier warning signs that I didn't notice as we were hustling to move off-base and into our dream house?  Did I neglect my poor kitty cat?  Am I partially to blame???  This is what causes the tears to flow.  That and the horrid knowledge that I will never see my kitty again.  That I will never hold him or pet him or love on him again.  He will never ride on my shoulder, his weight making it difficult to complete my tasks but his happy purring making it worthwhile.  His beautiful, bright, green eyes will never again look into mine with that all-knowing spark that cats seem to have.  I didn't have to open my daughter's door this morning to let him out.  He had to sleep in her room as she sleeps like a rock.  And I don't.  So I will never hear him calling out from behind that door to let him out.  He'll never rub his adorable lion face into my hair or try to play with it when it is down.  I won't be tripping over him in the kitchen as he tries to race me to his food bowl.  I'll never see him hunkered down over that same bowl again, scarfing down his food.  Or come home and have him try to jump onto my shoulder, purring loudly, greeting me as though I'd been gone forever.  He is gone.  And my heart... is shattered.  My Eow is gone.